Surgery....

Well, I haven't told very many people, but I'm going to be having surgery on October 15 & its coming up fast. Soon after having Ty my OBGYN told me that I would need to have a complete hysterectomy & to give her a call when I was ready. I went in mid August, for my routine exam that I've been putting off for some time. I think it was because in my heart of hearts I knew what would happen, hence me putting off my apt. It was such a hard decision that I couldn't bring myself to make. So in I stroll to my apt. I happened to see my old Dr. there (another one in the practice) He didn't mess around. I told him what had been going on, & he put everyone into action. He had is Tech stay through her lunch to scan me only to find me full of things that shouldn't be going on. A cyst, fluid, an inflammed tube, endometriosis...etc. etc....... the usual story. My right ovary has decided it wasn't needed any longer & has started to shrink. The doctor described it as dying inside & abnormally small. Perhaps that is why I've consistantantly gained weight & had other issues going on. After he tells me all this , he walks me into his nurse that schedules surgeries & says that pretty much enough is enough & that its time to do the hysterectomy. They wanted to do it the next week, but I put it off as late as I could so so that I can give myself time to grieve. It really sucks when you've been given this body to be a steward over & you can't decide how it works, or what parts to keep... if that makes any sense. I was so down about it, so just plain angry & mad, sad... the works. I suppose it just doesn't seem fair, to be so young & have everything together yet have no control. We went through so many failed IVF attempts before we were blessed w/ Ty, & what seems cruel is that we were thinking we'd try it again... Just so I could tell myself that I did everything I could. It seems like a cruel joke or something. I suppose it is a blessing though considering my ovary wouldn't have produced follicles & our changes would be that much less. My mother in law told me that I should be grateful, that I have Ty & he's more than most people have, I know this, but I feel like someone is dangling a candy bar in front of me saying... you had a bite of this... it was good huh? well... now you can just look at other people enjoying it. I hope that doesn't sound awful. I'm so afraid of waking up after the surgery & feeling such a loss, & trying to show everyone else around me that I'm "OK" & not sad. I just don't think it will happen like that. But anyhow, I'm gearing up now for next Thursday... I've made a list of things that I'd like to try & get done, since I'll be out of work for about 6 weeks & not able to do very many things & really am grateful for all of my blessings. I know that I have many friends & family that will help me through what will be a difficult time. Anyhow I'll keep you all posted.